homesick

4701785354_8d04d96898_zFor the first time in a long time, I’m homesick. I miss sunshine and sandy beaches, spicy Mexican food under meandering branches of oak and feeding tortilla chip bits to seemingly endless streams of scavenging songbirds. I long for sea breezes and late night bonfires replete with guitars, off key singing, marshmallows on unwound wire hangers ¬†and thick Mexican blankets. It’s an ache that persists, not because now it’s wintry and snowy (I honestly rather adore that) or because California outdoes Minnesota somehow. I have no regrets, no ice-induced angst. I simply miss home, and I need to go reconnect to my family, my beloved friends, my previous selves.

 

For the first time, I think, it’s a healthy longing. I’m not pretending to myself that I’ll go back and slip into my old life as though nothing ever happened. It’s taken me nearly 10 years to accept that that simply can’t happen, that life has gone on and I no longer have a space there – everyone’s lives and stories have continued and expanded into the place I once occupied, and this is a good thing. Truly, this is some of what I’m longing to see – the lovely ways their lives have gone on, have grown, and who these gorgeous ones have become. To be granted that window – framed in hugs and good food – feels like a tremendous gift. And it’s one I’m longing to open.

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6 thoughts on “homesick

  1. Love your authenticity here. I grew up here, but I often miss my college days. Only recently has the longing been like you described here- healthy but realistic. Life just has a way of trudging along. I think it’s healthy to feel this way. When you have a great life and parts of your past that are lovely, it’s okay to savor a bit of that bittersweet emotion.

    • I agree 100%. And how lucky are we that we have wonderful times to be missing, rather than things we want to forget? It’s a huge gift. And I’m all for living this time so it’s one I’ll look back on the same way.

      Btw, you & your college girlfriends were stinking adorable this weekend!

  2. Hi Ellie, I sincerely miss you, although we didn’t have a close friendship, your smile always brightened my day. I love seeing you now (through Facebook), how you are raising your kids and how you and Jeff have made your life in a world that is so different from San Diego.

    After I had been married for 4 months, my husband decided we were going to move to Iowa. Being born in San Diego, and my parents bought their new home here in San Diego when I was 11 months old, I had never lived any place else. Deciding that this would be a new adventure, and that my husband said to do it, we moved to Iowa.

    Unlike you, I lived in Iowa for only 18 months and we had our son. At that point Don gave another edict and we moved back to San Diego.

    Except for 11 months in Merced, San Diego has been my home.

    So, I often think of how brave you have been, to be uprooted, to have your husband and your kids, and be so contented in where you are. To me, that is a challenge that I wasn’t able to accomplish, so it seems like a big one for you to do it.

    The seasons are great, except I couldn’t adjust, and was glad to come home, and be warm, and to be close to my parents. It was the best decision for me, and I knew that if we didn’t come back when we did, we would never be back. All in all, I am so glad to be here in San Diego and am contented just where I am.

    Thanks for writing your feelings, those words were very special to me.

    I wish you warm nights, special hugs from Jeff and the Kids, and sweet dreams,

    Love, Pam

    • Pam, your comment made me so happy – you are dear to my heart. Thank you for your kind words… I’m so glad you’re happy and it sounds like your new home in beloved San Diego is falling into place, which is marvelous. I wish you every happiness & hope our paths will cross again… I think of you every time I see one of our wedding pictures & remember how you made my veil for me. xoxo.

  3. ELLE! You are a beautiful writer! This piece just spoke to my mood… I am so homesick right now, but it’s tough to decide if moving back is the right thing to do for me, for my family. I don’t feel content. I think maybe it’s this persistent weather and I’m spending most of my days checking to see if the tree outside my window has buds. Sigh. What I’d give to shed my coat, for park play and authentic Mexican food.

    • Aw, thank you my friend! I love that you COMPLETELY commiserate with me, although I wish you didn’t – it hurts to miss it. I do so hope spring lessens it all – for both our sakes! And, selfishly, I hope you don’t move back. I have a sense we’ll be good friends.

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